Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
