maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
