Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize