I think my vagina is haunted
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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