In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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