i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
