Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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