the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
