You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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