the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
