Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
