I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
