I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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