chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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