my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize