My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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