in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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