i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
