the condom got lost in my hair
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
