they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
