for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
