Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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