He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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