Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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