pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
