no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
