U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
wanna go halves on a baby?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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