I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
accomplished twins. life is a go
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
