i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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