I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize