I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
