he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
