Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Boobs are out for the taking
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
