Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
All I want is dick and wine.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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