he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
