i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
