do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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