I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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