I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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