It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
