i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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