You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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