I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Even my vagina gasped.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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