I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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