i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize