Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
