Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
