I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
