At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
