she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
