I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Randomize
