I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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