took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
