The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
