cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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