my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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