i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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