So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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