I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize