You made me cry and you don't even care
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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