Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
