my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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