he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
