Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
