bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
