Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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