I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
